Hello lovely!
How are you feeling today? I know there’s a lot going on in the world right now, and it can feel overwhelming. Give yourself some compassion and remember to breathe. You will get through this.
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what I can say that would serve you during this tumultuous time.
Today, I feel compelled to start with a story.
Two months ago, I experienced my first big heartbreak since my divorce. My Italian boyfriend and I finally threw in the towel, after months of trying to make it work. And we desperately WANTED it to work. You know that feeling you get when something just isn’t right, but you keep trying to force it? That was me. I fell in love and saw a future with him. I started taking Italian lessons so I could communicate with his parents who don’t speak English. I told my family I wasn’t coming home for Christmas; I’d be in Italy with his family instead. We looked at apartments in Mexico City together. It was moving forward in ways that I had only dreamed of since my divorce. Was this finally it? But deep down, I knew it wasn’t. Each time we looked at a home together, I either got sick to my stomach or the landlord wouldn’t show up. (Thank you Universe!) I started drinking wine with dinner each night so I wouldn’t have to worry about the hard stuff. Unfortunately, all of this took its toll on me, and I fell into a small depression for several months, getting sick and losing weight. I stopped writing and couldn't focus like I used to. I worried about our future 24/7. It wasn’t until we officially called it quits on 2/2/20 that I started to feel more alive and at ease.
Heartbroken, yes. But crippling anxiety, no.
I thought that if I loved him more and continued to show up as the "perfect girlfriend" and potential future Italian wife, that he would fall just as deeply in love with me as I was with him.
Love is real. Hope is real. Heartbreak is real. Our thoughts and feelings are 100% real!
I don’t regret the year we spent together (it was quite fabulous actually), and I’m not upset when I think about how long it took for our relationship to end. I needed that time to grieve and process the inevitable. Many of my clients go through this same process as well.
Change doesn't happen automatically overnight, or even with time. It happens with intention.
My thoughts about the breakup have evolved from “I don’t want to lose him!” to “I am so grateful for the year we spent together. I learned A LOT!”
Which thoughts do you think made me feel better? :)
The thoughts I've had about my breakup have further evolved into something sooooo helpful, healing, and juicy that now all I want to do is work, share, and serve even more women in moving beyond their exes and into a better future.
In other words, I am single and thriving!!
I was on the phone with a former client last week, and she asked me HOW I handled another heartbreak. She knows how much I love and give in my relationships (I’m the same way with my clients), that she was surprised at how well I was doing.
Thankfully, I have a lot of experience moving through heartbreak. Coaching my clients through their divorces and breakups. My own divorce. My coaches, therapist, and coaching myself daily! I'm committed to this work because I know how beautiful it can be on the other side.
It boils down to this:
YOU have the power to create your thoughts, which in turn become your reality.
Everything else is just a neutral circumstance.
Life Coach Brooke Castillo (I love her podcast!) makes this concept easy to digest with a simple model that has brought me, and my clients, life-changing results. I invite you to take a look and see how you can rewrite the thoughts that are swimming around in your head that are causing you anxiety, fear, or stress, and shift them into thoughts that make you feel wayyyyy better. This model can be used for any problem!
Circumstances → Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results
Your thoughts (about a circumstance) create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your results!
1. Circumstances are neutral. They are events and experiences in your life. Pick a circumstance you’re dealing with right now and write it down. Some examples could be the global pandemic, recently single & living alone, working at home full-time with kids, single for five years, etc. I’ll go with a breakup example.
2. Thoughts are created by you. Next up, what thoughts do you have about this circumstance? Remember, the circumstance is neutral. Identify the thoughts that YOU have around it. Ex. Breakups are the worst. I can’t believe I'm single again. It’s too late for me. I'll never find my soulmate.
3. Feelings come from your thoughts. When those thoughts are running through your head, what kind of feelings are they creating in your body? Ex. You might feel sad, angry, anxious, and hopeless.
4. Actions are taken based on your feelings. When you feel that way, how is it impacting how you show up in your life each day? What actions are you, or aren’t you, taking? Ex. You're stalking your ex on Instagram, or complaining to your friends about the fact that you’re “always single”.
5. Results come from your actions. What is your end result that is present in your life right now? Ex. You don't have the desire to accept and move on, so you're stuck in the past and consequently unhappy about being single.
I invite you to spend 10-15 minutes with the circumstances that are giving you a hard time. Journal on all the thoughts you have about them, and then when you get to the end, see how that result is (or isn’t) working for you. If you want a different result, pick a new thought and rework the model until you start to feel better. If you want to stay stuck where you are, no judgment. When you’re ready to change, refer back to the model and start to work through it again. Then, breathe a sigh of relief. You’re starting to reframe!
This simple, yet highly effective model, takes practice and commitment. If you stick to the process, I guarantee you will start to see different results in your life. I would loveeee to support you in reworking any thoughts that aren’t serving you. How we manage our mind is SO important, now more than ever!
Snd me a DM on Instagram to let me know how you’re doing and what is coming up for you.
You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back.
Much love,
Asia Dawn
P.S. I just launched a brand new way to work with me! Check out my new group coaching program Single And Thriving! #singleandthriving